Friday, April 01, 2005

News today you may have missed:

The Afghanistan government has decided to summarily end the country's opium production. All poppy plants are being replaced with tobacco fields, with American company Philip Morris overseeing the transition. This is to precede a new cigarette campaign in the region, featuring "The Marlboro Muhammad".

Suffering from a public relations debacle for fueling the deadly insurgency that has murdered hundreds of Iraqi citizens and for stonewalling the newly elected government in Iraq, the Sunni Muslims have decided to change their name to the Sunny Muslims, as part of a promotion for a "kinder, gentler Jihad".

The United Nations passed a resolution condemning the genocide in Sudan and has begun massing an international coalition of troops along the country's borders to stop the mass murder. The coalition does not include any U.S. troops, because, in the words of one U.N. official, "The United States has its hands full already, and we decided to take responsibility for something for once."

Senior White House officials say that President Bush plans to deal with his failure to reform Social Security by "just pretending he never brought it up." Polls indicate this may work, as most people really don't care.

After completing a tour of the Red States, DNC Chairman Howard Dean said he learned a lot, and that somebody should have thought of doing this before the presidential election last year.

Following the end of the Scott Peterson trial and the death of Terri Schiavo, millions of Americans were seen today walking around outside. A noted social psychologist, April Fuller, said most people are disinterested in the Michael Jackson case and are looking for something productive to do with their time. She added, "It's really hard to believe, isn't it?"